


Escape

by Blahhh, Feli_X



Series: Liaisons [7]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: (Non-detailed Descriptions), Abuse Descriptions Are Kept To A Minimum, Anxiety, Arguing, BDSM, Bad Decisions, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Choking, Depression, Dildos, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Insomnia, Internal Conflict, M/M, Masochism, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Partner Swapping, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Polyamory, Recreational Drug Use, Secrets, Self-Hatred, Sexual Tags Are In The Present, Sexual Tags Are Not Related To The Abuse, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 06:23:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16112669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blahhh/pseuds/Blahhh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feli_X/pseuds/Feli_X
Summary: Nines - along with Connor - is still in Russia when Gavin has a nightmare concerning the traumas in his past. He tries to settle the itch for a distraction with a choke collar and almost passes out then has to explain his bruises to Nines.





	Escape

**Author's Note:**

> **READ THE TAGS, THIS IS A HEAVY CHAPTER IN THIS SERIES.**  
>  Actual descriptions of abuse are kept to a bare minimum.

It's late, dad's gone out with mom again... Well, Natalie isn't his real mom, but she might as well be. He likes Natalie. Debbie's out with friends, she's gone to a slumber party. Gavin's jealous, he wanted to stay over his friends tonight but dad said no, so Dale is looking after him again. 

He likes Dale. Dale lets him do stuff other people don't. Dale shares his beers with him sometimes but Gavin can't tell anyone otherwise he would get in trouble. Dale lets him watch movies with swearing and blood. Dale lets him stay up late. Dale doesn't even tell him off when he cusses. Gavin's twelve but Dale treats him like a grown up. He's so cool.

They're watching television. Dale lets him have some of his beer again. Gavin feels a bit weird, but happy. Dale's hand touches his, it doesn't matter. Dale holds it, but mom does that too, so it doesn't bother him. Dale pulls it onto his leg, then further. His stomach twists. His heart hurts. His throat's tight. Dale slides Gavin's hand up beneath his. He stares at the wall. He can't move. 

Why is he doing this... _Move._ He trusted him... _Move._ "Just like that..." _Move._ He feels sick... _Move._ He doesn't want this... _Move._ Where is everyone... _Move._ Someone help... _Move._ "You're a real sweet kid Gavin..." _Move._ He's so scared... _Move._ This isn't real... _Move._ Why can't he say anything... _Move._ Why can't he move... _Move._

 _ **MOVE!**_

Gavin's sweating body jolts under the sheets, nausea thick in his throat and he's mid panic attack before he can even realize he's awake. He almost trips over his feet getting to the bathroom and hunches over the toilet, spitting saliva into the water between the gulps of breath. _He feels like he's dying._

His whole body's shaking, thoughts and memories kicked up in the storm wrecking though his mind. It won't stop. He doesn't want to think about it but his brain recorded every single stomach-churning detail. It was like reliving it all over again, the memories fresh and cutting.

Reed pushes himself up, chest still heaving and swallowing thickly as he grabs his phone. Tremors wreck through his hands and he blinks away tears as he types in the passcode. 

He needs to be hit. He needs these thoughts struck out of him. He needs the pain. He needs help. He _needs_ it but Nines isn't here. 

He's frantic, heart hammering and thoughts still whirling as he finally gets to the contact of his old dominant. He's an animal, completely heartless. He'd beat him blue and fuck him red. He's what Gavin needs right now. It's disgustingly twisted irony that doing this shit stops these thoughts but it works. He knows it works. It always works. 

Reed's thumb presses on the name and he begins typing out a message before Nines comes to mind again. _Fuck... If he sends this he'll ruin everything... He's in a real relationship, not just fucking about. If he does this, it's just cheating. It's not the same as Tina or Connor or Hank, not by a long shot. He'd lose him.... He can't lose Nines. Not now..._

Tears spill down again, so close to escape but he'll lose everything for it. Nines has brought so much good into his life, he can't let all of that go for one sleazy fuck. He stares at the contact and drags up every bit of will power to delete it and the others before throwing his phone at the bed with as much force as he can. It bounces off the mattress and smacks into the wall. He doesn't care. It can break. 

Gavin grips his fingers into the bed sheets, mind racing at some way around this. He'd beg Connor on his knees at this point but he's gone. Tina's in a closed relationship. Hank?... No, he's missing that _thing_. Reed's learned how to recognize it over the years, that sparkle in someone's eye of a true sadist. Calculating, cruel, cold. Anderson doesn't have that, he won't be able to do what he needs. To completely give himself over and let someone take control without having to think.

Gavin slowly drops to his knees, arms folding over the bed as he cries into the covers. There's nobody to help him. _He's alone..._

He keeps his face pressed into the damp fabric, shoulders shaking until he runs out of energy to cry. He sniffles and slides down, chest empty as he curls up on the floor. He doesn't want to move. He wishes he could remove every thought from his head and step outside his skin. He doesn't want to feel... Not even the numbness. Every breath feels like moving a mountain. _He's trapped in his own body._

It takes a long while before he can gather enough drive to stand, even then it's only because he needs to use the bathroom. Gavin sniffs again and swallows, going through the motions on automatic. He goes to the toilet, showers - trying not to think about why he scrubs his hand until it hurts. He brushes his teeth before grabbing some comfortable clothes, the usual sweats and a large warm hoodie. He retrieves his phone from the floor, it's not cracked, would've been a few years ago. 

He drags his bed covers to the couch and after grabbing a soda, settles down to start rolling a spliff. He was up all night and didn't get to sleep until morning... Turned out he barely had two hours of sleep. Gavin keeps all of the curtains closed, trying to keep the house dark as he takes the first drag. He's glad it's the weekend or he would've broken his promise to Nines. He still feels empty, but the weed keeps his mind slowly moving along. He can't focus on one thought too long, they slip away like butter and Reed starts going through YouTube, eyelids heavy.

The want to be hit doesn't go away, it's like a craving and Gavin figures if he can't do something now... Perhaps he can have something to look forward to when his partner comes home. He tries to make sure how he's feeling isn't too obvious... Gavin's got good at hiding it over the years but Nines already knows him better than anyone else somehow. His partner will ask what's wrong and he's never told anyone except his dad what happened. Dad called him a liar and continued allowing... _him_ to stay at the house for another year. He'll never forgive him for it. Gavin doesn't plan on telling anyone ever again. He's taking this shit to his grave.

He takes two long pulls, holding in the smoke and exhales the left overs wisps into the air, slumping over to lay on the couch. Gavin syncs his phone up to the speakers playing _Childish Gambino - sober_ and between the weed, the warm covers bundled round him and the music drifting through, he begins to settle just a little bit. The weed helps the most, it helps to keep him spaced out, relaxed.

He pre-rolled a couple joints sitting on the table and has no plans on putting the spliff between his fingers down as he starts typing.

G: Hey. U got a minute?

N: _For you my Love, always._

Reed smiles faintly, it feels so good to be cared about. 

G: Can we roleplay when u get back? 

N: _What a wonderful suggestion. Of course, what do you have in mind?_

Gavin knows what he wants but with the memories fresh in his mind again, he feels guilty and wrong for just wanting to do what he likes. He's thankful it never went that far, Debbie came home early that one night and stopped it from going there... Gavin knows _he_ was going to do it that night. She didn't see - he's thankful for that - but it spooked _him_ enough to stop. His sister has no idea she saved his skin but he's so unbelievably fucking grateful for that. He owes her so much for that... It would have broken him.

He doesn't know why his mind works the way it does... He tried searching things up a few times. Hypersexualization and shit... Inability to form normal relationships... Risky sexual behavior... _Sounded like him..._. His brain's never been shy on shoving fucked up fantasies at him though, so Gavin's thankful that he never thinks about _that_ in scene at least. It's often the only time the thoughts are banished from his mind.

BDSM was a saving grace, serious vanilla stuff was always hard for him to enjoy. He's never even topped anyone without kinky shit being involved in some way, it just didn't feel right. Getting hurt, fighting back, feeling helpless, being tied up and degraded... That felt right. Sometimes he wonders if he would've been this way no matter what... He hopes so. Gavin doesn't want what he loves to be because of _him_.

He knows his self destructive behaviors are a part of how he felt from the ordeals though... Like he doesn't deserve anything better than this, that's he's worthless. It's one of the reasons he loves the thought of being snuffed out for another's pleasure. His need to suffer and the thought of giving up his worthless existence to have meaning, to give someone that ultimate hit. To have purpose. His life is ruled by sex, only seems to make sense it should be how he goes out. _In fantasy..._

Gavin shakes his head, pushing out the thoughts that say what he likes has anything remotely to do with that sick perverted pig. He likes it because it makes him feel good and that's all that fucking matters. Why should he have to feel bad about being happy? He just wants to enjoy being with his boyfriend, to have a good time playfighting and fucking. 

At least it's different with Nines... He's really helped him start to become comfortable with the 'normal' stuff... Kissing and all the sappy crap. The idea seemed like a load of rosy bullshit before, almost repulsed him. He couldn't wrap his head around it - the concept felt so alien - but Nines gives him just the right balance... His partner's done so much for his mental health... Done so much in general. He'd still be a mess without him - like he is now. _Life is so much easier to live with Nines there._

He's just as gentle and affectionate as he is brutal and cold. It's perfect, he's perfect. Gavin has so much trust in Nines like he never had with a dominant before... He can do all the sick twisted shit that plays about in his head and Gavin knows can completely give himself over whenever he wants. That he can fight back with every ounce of strength and Nines will keep pushing him back down unless he says Blue. His safeword has never felt more true and safe than with Nines... He's had people ignore it before. 

The fight is something Gavin loves... struggling, punching, biting, kicking. It fuels him with adrenaline, he's almost euphoric when he loses and the total inevitability of it with Nines is something else entirely. That android could snap his neck if he wanted... and Gavin believes without a shadow of a doubt, he never would. Being that helpless but so in control of his own pleasure that Nines would stop the second he said Blue. It never felt that way with the others but with Nines he can completely lose himself in the moment, self esteem and anxiety out the window to embrace every second of that morbid rush. 

Gavin sighs quietly and takes another drag, flicking some ash into a small dish. 

G: I want to do a rape scene. I want to fight back but u win

N: _That sounds rather enticing and what are your requests my Love?_

G: Can u use that limit thing like u did on my bday? Stronger than me but enough for me to fight back?

N: _Of course. Would this be taking place upon my arrival home? I would very much like to kiss you before we begin if you wouldn't mind._

Reed smiles into the bedsheets, chest warm. Of course Nines would wanna make out before rough fucking him... Soppy Toaster...

G: K. U kiss me then I start fighting back. Can we do the choking thing u talked about? 

N: _You wish to roleplay my death threat?_

G: Yeah. Near the end

N: _You're being rather demanding today but I would be more than happy to enact that scenario with you, my Love. You know I find these thoughts just as arousing as yourself. Perhaps more so._

He takes another drag then puts his spliff down on the dish, thumbs resting on the screen. That message sent a jolt of warmth down south and Gavin's torn between getting Nines to talk about it more or leaving it be. He's still craving a distraction but it's not the same thing as being physically dominated... Which is what he needs. Gavin lets the heat fizzle itself out for now and types back.

G: U liking it makes it better. What should I do?

N: _I would like you to prepare and lubricate yourself before my arrival and for you to be fully clothed but your pants should be elasticated. I recommend sweatpants or the like. As stated before, I would like to kiss for a few moments beforehand._

G: I can do that. Will u let me know when ur almost here?

N: _Of course. Are you Okay my Love?_

Gavin groans in his throat and pulls himself together best he can because it sounds like Nines is starting to get suspicious. He takes a moment to think then falls on the obvious.

G: I'm high

N: _Ah I see, it is the weekend after all. Do you have plans?_

G: Smoke. Gonna play GTA now

N: _Nothing wrong with the tried and tested I suppose. I hope you enjoy your weekend. I love you very much. I wish I were home with you now, my thirium pump aches for you._

Gavin's chest hurts reading that and suddenly he's craving Nines holding him, more than hurting him... It goes to show the effects that stupid overgrown toaster's had on him. 

G: I love u too Tincan. A fucking lot.

N: _I'm here if you need me, my Love. Just three more days and I'll finally feel complete again._

Gavin smiles and feels better, lonely... But better.

There's still a swirling of guilt and self hate for his kinks crawling around his chest though... It's not fair. He hates feeling this way... confused, guilty... Like it's his fault his mind is all fucked up. He just wants to enjoy this... Not think about how fucked up it is that he wants to be raped by his boyfriend... It has nothing to do with _him_. 

It's about the frenzy, the fight and adrenaline. Control and being safely out of control at the same time. Being used by Nines for his pleasure and how much of a kick his toaster will get out of it... He could never fight back when he was younger... He was too scared, frozen in place, mute and trapped.

He loves the fight now, putting all of his energy into it, frantic. Wearing himself down and making them earn his ass. He'll fight tooth and claw until he feels like they deserve to get what they want. It's up to him. He can say the safeword and end it all right there if he wanted and with Nines, he knows without a doubt his partner would stop in a second if he even suspected hearing Blue.

Sometimes it feels like it should trigger him... but it doesn't, being forced into things is thrilling and has his whole body feeling alive. Being choked is the best, the light headedness, the burn, the pressure... It's addictive and when someone's really into it, the snuff kinks start kicking in. When he found out Nines liked the other end of the deal, it was like hitting the fucking jackpot. Somebody he could completely trust - literally with his life - to bring him right to the edge, and get off on every second of it with him. 

His triggers got worked out a long time ago, sometimes they'll still make him fall out of the moment but he's learned to push it all down. That shit'll happen when someone decides to pair themselves up with the kind of dominants he has... Ones that ignore the safeword... Ones that didn't even want to know his name - which was fine... Ones that didn't fuck around with aftercare - also fine. Gavin didn't feel like he deserved it at the time... Nines changed that, he feels worth something now.

For how much grief they put him through at times, the fact they exposed him to his triggers so much that they don't - usually - get to him anymore, is something... He guesses. Jerking someone off beside him used to give him flashbacks but over a decade's worth of fucking around has had that happen enough that it's not an issue anymore. Things are a bit raw today though... They always are when his brain decides he should relive everything...

 _He_ made him do that until he lost interest - Gavin suspects it's because he hit puberty - and the one time he tried to do more, Debbie interrupted him by coming home early. Sat on _his_ lap... Hand going places that made Gavin sure he was going to be sick... But he was a lot smaller then, it feels different now. The first few times Nines pulled him onto his lap he would panic a bit... Nines probably just thought he was making a fuss like he always does, but the first times genuinely had him experiencing flashbacks. Without the haze of sex it felt too intimate, too close to _him_. 

Now it feels nice, Nines' pump has such a unique rhythm, he focuses on that distinctive thump against his back. Singular beat, not double. How their knees fit correctly over one another because he's the same size... - almost the same, Gavin's certain all of the stress stunted his growth. The lukewarm - not hot - breath on his neck and hands that fit his the way they should. Another trigger that got worked out of him but in a different way... Gentler, carefully. Not torn from him over repeated incidents and selfishness. He can even relax into the same action of Nines' hand going between his legs while on his lap. It feels safe with his partner.

Being filmed effects him the most these days because it's something that can still make things worse in the future, but the past is the past... No matter how much it haunts him.

Nines' scar even helps... Like no one else has permission to touch him unless Nines says so and his partner's so strong, so intimidating. Who would dare? It makes him feel safe, loved, protected and when it is touched by those he allows, it feels so amazing. It's completely hard wired into his brain to melt when it's caressed and groped because it's all Nines. Good memories of pleasure, pain, declarations of love and the first time Gavin felt like maybe he could accept that someone could love him without it feeling fake. Feeling truly adored... _And that scarlet hand..._

Nines doesn't realize all the good he's done over the six months they've been together... Fuckbuddies and boyfriends... Just the amount of _normal_ he has now. Things he couldn't have before... He's still getting used to it all. He's never had a steady boyfriend, not a romantic one. He's had extended relationships with Doms but nothing like this. It's still pretty fucking new.

He thought having Connor and Hank start coming in on things would fuck everything up but actually it's helped more... Shown him he can trust people _he thinks_... Nines, Debbie, Tina, Chris and now Hank and Connor... Two of the last people on the goddamn earth he expected he could open up to. He... He likes having them be a part of things, the variety. After years of fucking around, he's used to hopping around whatever and whoever he fancied at the time, it might be good. He'd be happy with Nines alone, he'd never prefer anyone over his android but the options for play are nice to have resting in the background... Sex is such a large part of his life, having friends he can fuck is an oddly relaxing thought. 

Gavin sighs and sparks his spliff back up, wrapping himself tight in the bed sheets and starts binging fails. He's dealt with this for a long time and very slowly, he starts to settle back into something that resembles normalcy. Memories starting to get pushed back down and he sinks more into the here and now. 

Finally a video catches Gavin off guard and he has a laughing fit, he feels better after it. Lighter and has one of those moments where he truly appreciates where he's gotten himself as he winds down. A Detective, his own house, an amazing boyfriend that's also his partner at work, decent friends. For the fucked up mess he is... He's done alright. 

Gavin smiles, halfway through his joint and the munchies are setting in. He makes himself some sandwiches and spends the next of couple hours spaced out in front of the television after syncing YouTube up. He decides it's a good time to look at some meme compilations, Nines doesn't really get those. Maybe a couple, but not many.

The sun's just setting when his phone pings and he checks the messages from Nines. 

N: _[LINK]_

N: _I find myself unable to stop picturing our scene, my Love. I came across this song and find the lyrics rather fitting of my intentions, to start with at least._

Reed clicks the link and already the title has him grinning. _The Bravery - Hatefuck._

_If I put my hands around your wrists, would you fight them?_  
_If I put my fingers in your mouth, would you bite them?_  
_So many things that I would do if I had my way with you_  
_I can keep secrets that I know that you want me_  
_You could dig your nails into my skin and you won't stop me_  
_You could twist and scream into the air but no one can hear you here_  
_And there will be no tenderness, no tenderness_  
_There will be no tenderness, no tenderness_  
_I will show no mercy for you,_  
_You had no mercy for me_  
_The only thing that I ask, love me mercilessly_

Nines is right... The lyrics are fucking awesome and the fact his partner sent them, knowing Nines wants to do these things to him... Is fucking hot. He's seriously excited about Nines getting back and being able to just get lost in their scene. He's gonna put everything into fighting back... Kick, punch, struggle until he's completely worn out... He's gonna make Nines work for his ass. The thought makes Reed giddy and the itch to be dominated returns. 

He could answer but he's still not quite himself yet, Nines will notice if they keep talking... His android will probably just think he's fallen asleep anyways....

Gavin looks over to the bedroom and takes the joints with him, putting them and the dish on their dresser before standing in front of their chest. _There has to be something he can use on himself right?_ Reed sighs and kneels down, starting to look through.

Impact toys are no good... He can't deal a hard enough blow by himself... Nines' scalpel? No... His brain stops him from cutting. Nipple clamps aren't the right pain... Wartenberg Wheel... No, too teasy. Finger claws? He didn't even know Nines had those, cool... Reed contemplates putting a knife in the freezer but the unexpected ice bite of the blunt edge across his skin does the trick, it won't work the same if he knows it's coming.

Gavin moves some restraints aside and his eyes fall on a loop of brown leather... His choke collar. He shouldn't... But the itch is deep... It might soothe it. His heart speeds up, already under stress from the cannabis and he pulls it out before grabbing a dildo as well as a pair of handcuffs. _He has a plan._

Reed stops by the dresser, taking the dish over to his bedside table, exhaling smoke through his nose as he fills his mouth with the next hit. It's not long before he's feeling like putty, relaxed and mind fuzzy as he grabs some lube and climbs into the bed. Gavin pushes his sweatpants down, kicking them off and lays on the mattress, bending his knees up. He squeezes some lube onto his fingers and slips in his middle finger past his tight rim. 

He strokes along the front wall and swallows, head tilting back with a lazy sigh as he grazes across his prostate. It's tempting to do that for a while but he's got a plan and works in the second finger, curling and scissoring himself out until he can add a third. Gavin gets up to the second knuckle on his digits, still feeling blissfully spaced and pulls them free to suction the dildo to their headboard. 

Nines chose a headboard with hollow squares going across the top, good for restraints and Gavin clips one side of the handcuffs to a square above the silicone cock now stuck in place. He slips the collar round his neck and kneels with his back to the headboard before clicking the handcuff to a metal ring on the end of his collar. 

A giddy rush starts going through him and he leans over to take chain smoke drags off of his joint again, not stopping until his head feels cloudy. He lubes up the silicone, adding some more to his asshole until it's slick before easing it inside with a groan. _It burns... burns fucking good._ He moves himself back until his cheeks meet the headboard then leans forward. 

_It works._ As he leans forward the leather tightens around his throat and his head goes fuzzy, the music trickling in from the living room going dull. His eyes roll back. _It's been so fucking long._

He arches his back and starts working himself on the cock buried in his ass, head floating above the clouds. Coupled with the weed haze, his mind is completely absent except the fantasy in his head. _Nines fucking him and choking him out._ He grinds his hips on the spot, a rasping groan in his throat and fingers digging against the mattress.

He imagines Nines behind him, tugging up on the leash and everything else he might do... _Maybe he'll punch him in the back... Tug his hair... He's gonna bite for sure... He'll whisper death threats by his ear while fucking him... Maybe Nines'll pull him up, arm locked round his throat so tight he can't breathe... Maybe he won't make it to feel Nines come..._

The thump in his head gets heavier and his teeth are tingling, skin fuzzing. _It feels so fucking good..._ He doesn't stop, breaths scraping along his windpipe and pushes himself back... Then he swallows.

It goes straight down his airways and Gavin coughs, the pressure hits in his head and without warning his body goes weak. His arms shake and Gavin goes to push himself back up, still coughing. His vision greys out and warning bells start going off. He slumps forward, arms feeling like lead and reality hits hard as his adrenaline spikes. If he doesn't move now he's going to pass out.

Gavin shoves himself back as hard as he can and even though his head smacks the wall, ass empty as he slips down, the world starts pulsing in again. He's trembling, not a good rush. _He's fucking terrified._

The vision in his right eye is still blurred grey, only a pin prick at the center but eventually it returns along with his hearing and he's stuck in place. He's not hard, not at all. He yanks the collar from around his neck and covers his mouth with a tremoring hand at realizing what nearly happened. 

_What the fuck was he thinking?!_

He's shaking all over, the back of his head throbbing from the impact against the wall. _Why did he do that? He knows better than that!_ He feels unbelievably afraid and so stupid... If he'd passed out... _Christ..._

Reed climbs off the bed, legs still shaking and goes to the bathroom to look at his neck. His heart plummets at the prickles of red around his throat. He whimpers. "Shit..."

It's going to bruise there's no doubt and there's no way it's going to fade before Nines comes home... _He's going to be so mad..._

Reed battles in head over what he should do. Whether to call Nines and show him now or wait... If he waits it'll be worse. So much fucking worse and there's no way in hell Nines will want to do their scene. 

Gavin's stomach clutches, churning as he goes in the kitchen to sit with his laptop at the table. _He's shaking too much to use his phone._ Every click towards the program to call his partner fills his heart with dread and it takes a while before he can muster up the courage to press the green button. 

He answers instantly. Gavin can see his own video feed and the obvious marks around his neck, the dark shadows under his eyes and shamed look on his face. There's no sound or feed at first but he waits... 

Eventually the screen turns on, Nines looking in a bathroom mirror... _He looks pissed._

His voice is flat but Gavin can hear the underlying tension beneath it. "Gavin... Did you just do what I think you did?"

He can't answer, eyes dropping down and jolts when Nines snaps at him through the speakers. 

"Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?!"

Reed hangs his head. "I... I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"Clearly!"

Gavin rubs a hand over his face, ashamed and afraid... Afraid he's ruined everything. _Please don't let him have ruined everything..._

He looks up to see Nines' jaw clenched, staring at the mirror and his heart drops at the next words because his partner shouts them. 

"WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO DO SOMETHING SO FUCKING RECKLESS?"

Reed shrinks in his seat, heart thumping at Nines both shouting at him and the fact he's angry enough to swear. _He's ruined everything... Oh fuck... He's going to lose him._ He can't lose him now... Not now. He'll lose everything. Everything good in his life will be over. Gavin's breathing comes fast, trying his best to hold off an attack as he chokes on his words. 

"I'm really fucking sorry Nines... I... I..."

The screen goes down, looking at the floor and Gavin can see his partner's fist clenched tight, shaking by his side as he speaks quietly. "This is because of my suggestion..."

Gavin shakes his head, words tumbling out trying to explain without mentioning the source. "Wha... No, no. I'm just... I'm not used to having to wait. I... I was feeling really shit and I'm just used to texting a bunch of whoevers to come and fuck me up and I thought.... If they can't, I could.... It was stupid..."

He can see Nines' chest rise and fall, his breathing slow but harsh. His tone is softer when he speaks and it takes Gavin a minute to work out why the screen's blurring. "You can't do this to me Gavin... Do you have any idea... I could have _lost_ you..."

Fear moves into the background and now guilt tightens his throat. He knew Nines would be mad but he didn't think he'd make him cry... Gavin swallows. "I won't do it again... I'm really sorry. It was stupid and... I never should have tried doing it without you here."

The screen goes black for a moment and Gavin can only sit in silence. It drags on until Nines speaks again, quiet. "I am... Reluctant to indulge this particular activity anymore...I don't want to encourage borderline suicidal behavior Gavin... I cannot lose you."

Reed panics a little, eyes searching and downcast at the thought of not being able to do breathplay anymore. He's ashamed to admit it but it's almost an addiction. _He needs it... It clears his mind like nothing else._ "I'm not suicidal Nines... I don't... I'm not trying to do that, you know that. I just... I was desperate, I don't ever want to do it on my own again Nines... I- I almost passed out... I was so fucking scared. Please, it was stupid..."

The video feed returns - Nines opening his eyes - and it's still slightly blurred as he pulls in a deep breath. "Yes, it was..."

Gavin looks down at himself, brain blanking until he can speak and looks up again. "Please, I'm really sorry. Don't say we can't do it anymore... I love doing that with you Nines."

He can see the android's eyes wandering then he looks back up before blinking the video feed back to being clear. It doesn't last long. "As do I... But you're a _human_ Gavin... You're fragile, irreplaceable, if something happened to you... I... " He trails off.

Gavin closes his eyes and sighs before gathering up his thoughts. "Nines... You're the first person I can really trust with this... Even though it's so fucking dangerous you make it feel safe. I don't know why I did this today. I swear I'll never do this stupid shit on my own again. Just... Please don't say we can't do this anymore... I... I _need_ it. I need _you_ to do that to me, to be in control."

Nines frowns lightly, eyes scanning across the room and he exhales slowly. "...You must never, _ever_ do this again. EVER. I..." He inhales deeply then continues. "I understand mistakes happen... Impulses, urges and that logic can be abandoned. I'm not without fault, my method of persuading Connor to join us is proof of that, I'm deeply thankful he holds no animosity towards me for it... I shall overlook this, but if this incident is ever repeated Gavin, we can never do it again."

Relief floods through him, shoulders slumping and Gavin nods. "I promise Nines, I swear I'll never do it on my own again. I promise."

Nines wipes a hand down his face, blacking out the screen for a moment. "I believe you... Now, will you please explain to me why you felt the need to do something like this in the first place?"

Gavin sighs weakly, nodding again. "I... I haven't been sleeping properly, my anxiety has... It's been a fucking nightmare. I've been on edge and I'm used to just getting it beaten out of me. I couldn't use any of the toys so I thought if I choked myself it might... Help? I don't know... I was high, tired and I wasn't thinking."

Nines expression softens and he looks at the mirror. "My Love... Why didn't you tell me any of this? Every time I asked, you informed me you were fine. Which is clearly not the case."

The term of endearment returning has Gavin sigh in relief, heart tight with warmth. _He hasn't ruined everything... He's not going to lose him... Everything will be ok..._

"I... I don't like talking about that stuff, you know that Nines. I just try and deal with it... I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Nines forces a thin smile. "Please tell me in the future. Don't hide things from me, I want to help you, my Love."

Guilt pinches at him hearing that and he grimaces lightly. There's things he can't tell him... Gavin words it differently. "Okay, I'll be honest about how I feel from now on, yeah? I'm sorry all this shit happened..."

Nines nods. "You mean the world to me Gavin. You're... Everything. My first thought upon awakening, my last thought before sleep mode. I spend a great deal of my day thinking about you... I very much wish I could hold you now, it pains me that I cannot."

Reed shifts on the spot and makes a little noise of reluctance in his throat at the vulnerability of his words before replying. "I want that too... I was really scared. Might have to extend that kiss thing maybe?"

Nines smiles, a real one but weak, still pricked with sadness. "I would appreciate that greatly. I will need to express my affections before I can harm you."

Gavin squirms hearing the last part, a little trickle of heat going south. "Yeah, I'd like that... So we're still doing it?"

Nines nods, eyes softer than usual. "Yes, but not until I've had my fill of hugs and kisses I'm afraid. When I start moving you the bedroom, we shall begin."

Reed smiles hearing that, cheeks warm. _Is he ever not up for this shit... He almost passed out not long ago and now he's already wanting to be choked again... Well, that's his fucked up mind. What's new._ "Sounds nice... Both things."

His partner smiles a little more truly and makes a suggestion that Gavin appreciates the fuck out of. "Concerning today, I would like to offer that as long as you keep your promise to me Gavin, we never have to speak of this incident again."

He's quick to agree, allowing a weak chuckle at his own stupidity. "Please. It was such a fucking dumb thing to do, I just wanna forget that shit ever happened."

Nines nods slowly. "So then... What are you going to do now, my Love?"

Gavin shrugs weakly... He's tired. He's barely slept and with the attack, the stress and the choking thing, sleep is looking like a nice option. If he can. "Think I might try and sleep."

"I think that would be a wise decision... I do hope you can. Please talk me if you need help Gavin, I'll always have time for you. Always."

Warmth fills Gavin's chest and there's longing to have his partner closer. "Thanks Nines, I will. I really fucking love you, seriously."

Nines has a single huff of amusement, eyebrows still giving away concern, voice soft. "I really fucking love you too... Sleep well. I'm here if you need me, my Love."

Gavin pushes out a smile, he's happy but also sad as he ends the call before slumping in his chair with a sigh. 

He's so fucking lucky Nines forgave him... He was so close to losing the best thing in his miserable life...

Gavin goes to the bedroom after a drink of water and frowns unhappily at the choke collar, handcuffs and dildo still on the bed. He shakes his head and removes the dildo first, cleans it and puts it away along with the collar and cuffs. _Stupid._ He takes his joint and dish back to the living room to curl up under the bedsheets again, YouTube playing on the television. 

He tries to sleep and can't, even though he's exhausted. Every time he starts to drift off there's a clench of fear in his chest that he's going to relive it again. Two hours pass and another joint is rolled, halfway smoked and it's still no use. He gets frustrated eventually and cries in exasperation for a while, it's torture being this mentally fatigued without being able to rest. 

Reed rubs the liquid out of his eyes, taking another drag and stares up at the ceiling. _If he doesn't get sleep soon it's going to effect his performance at work... Fuck._

An idea pops up and he wrinkles his nose... _It might work... Maybe?_

He knows Anderson isn't really into BDSM, he just does stuff for Connor so the guy can't beat him but... Maybe they can roleplay something... Gavin still likes the idea of Hank threatening his job... _Does Hank even roleplay?_ He doesn't know but even then, maybe the guy can just call him some names, anything'll do. He just needs to get lost in the moment and maybe a fuck will give him that last push to sleep. 

Gavin takes another pull then grinds the end of his joint into the dish. "Fuck it."

He doesn't know whether he should ask or tell Nines... He's his dominant so he should ask but they're also in a... Fuck, a fourway thing now he guesses. _Damn_ Gavin shakes his head and decides to be half direct, still respecting his dominant but also as his boyfriend. 

G : Hey Nines I still can't sleep. I was thinking of seeing if Hank wants to fuck around?

N: _That sounds like an excellent idea, my Love._

Gavin nods to himself, pulls in a breath and crawls off of the couch. 

G: K. Talk soon 

N: _Have fun, my Love._

He goes to the bathroom and splashes some cold water on his face to wake up, it sends a jolt down his neck and he shivers. Reed can't deny he looks like crap but does his best to try and persuade Hank that he's somewhat fuckable. Gavin snorts at the thought and sorts out his hair and goes over himself with a washcloth. It'll do, he can't get rid of the blood shot in his eyes or the dark circles beneath them though. 

He finds a decent size buttplug and loosens himself up, he just wants to get straight to it. Foreplay is the last thing he needs right now, his mind's strained so fucking tight that if he has to jerk Hank off, he might actually get a flashback. All he needs is a good fucking and someone to treat him like a piece of shit... He really fucking hopes Hank can do it. 

He scissors himself out enough to take the plug and makes sure to add extra lube before pulling his sweatpants and hoodie back on. Gavin gives himself a look over in the full mirror next to the door and tuts... He doesn't look his best... His chest gives a squeeze at his disheveled state then he shakes his head. _It's just a fuck, he's got a hole, doesn't matter what's attached to it._

Gavin doesn't trust himself to drive and orders a cab. He spends a while standing outside, walking back and forth while trying to work up the courage to ask. His pride is screaming it him not to but he needs it... Asking him for the roleplay is going to be the worst part. 

He mumbles to himself, white puffs of breath in the air. "Fucking come on, you can do this you pussy..."

He growls in frustration once at having to beg Anderson for fuck but eventually pumps himself up enough to go ring the door bell. He's fucking freezing from waiting outside so long and keeps moving to try and warm up... Also trying to ignore the slippery silicone between his cheeks with every movement. 

Hank opens up in his boxers and a tee, giving Reed the once over. "What are you doing here?"

 _Isn't it fucking obvious..._ Gavin rolls his eyes, trying his best not to be too snarky so he can actually get inside before Hank has the opportunity to slam the door in his face. "After last night, what do you fucking think?"

Anderson looks mildly surprised and confused. "Oh."

He tuts at still standing outside in the fucking cold on Hank's doorstep in the late evening and gives his arm a rub to warm up. He already has slight shakes from the lack of sleep. "Well, can I come in or not? It's fucking freezing."

Hank steps out the way and Gavin's relieved to be back in the warmth, eyes glancing over to the fucking bear of a dog by the couch. He hears Anderson start talking then his tone change half way through, looking him over again in the light. "Sure, why'd you- Fucking hell Reed."

Gavin scowls, defensive. He knows he looks like crap but the fucker doesn't have to point it out like that. He snaps. "What?"

"Who the hell did that to your neck?"

 _Oh... Right._ He forgot about that for a minute, would make sense Hank would wonder where the fuck he got that from. He still feels like shit for making Nines upset and sighs. "Me."

**Author's Note:**

> Nines will find out before Christmas. 
> 
> Sorry for the heavy chapter, I know it's different from the usual but yeah.
> 
> Thank you for Kudos and doubly so for Comments, they fuel me <3


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